The Bundt Cake That Ate Cincinnati

I recently came upon a short story written when I was in middle or high school. I don't actually remember if I wrote it, or one of my friends, or all of us. (Anyone want to take credit? You might want to wait until after you read it.) I suspect this was a product of one of our late-night creative sessions at a slumber party.

To date myself and the story, it's printed by a dot-matrix printer (look here, kids) on banner paper with the holes down the side. It appears heavily influenced by The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Whoever typed it up was obviously not big on copyediting, but in the spirit of preservation, I am reproducing it here exactly as found. Enjoy!

The Bundt Cake That Ate Cincinnati

Chapter One - "Fred"

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not too far away - in fact, a galaxy very close to our own; in fact, it was OUR galaxy; anyway, there lived in a small ramshackle shack on the edge of town (Cincinnati), a man named Fred. Now, Fred spent most of his days pouring hot dogs at the local hot dog factory, and therefore did not have much money (he got a penny for every hot dog he poured and he was a very slow worker besides). Fred spent most of his nights sleeping. The nights that he didn't spend sleeping, he sat up watching Benny Hill and Archie Bunker and the LateDamnLateRealLate Show. Fred watched this trash because he was lonely. Unfortunately, Fred couldn't drown his loneliness in a bottle of Yukon Jack, simply because he had never heard of Yukon Jack. Nor could Fred afford any other recreational pharmaceuticals to hide his trouble with. So he had practically resigned himself to a life of lame T.V. and Stouffer's frozen dinners.

Chapter Two - "Fred"

The one thing in life Fred wanted more than anything else was a hot babe. But, he reasoned, if he couldn't get a hot babe, he'd settle for a pet. a dog, a cat, a pet rock, ANYTHING! As long as he didn't have to feed it. Okay, that ruled out the dog and the cat. But a pet rock would be nice. It required no food, no water, no litterbox or newspapers, a little polish once in a while, and a bit of love. And it would be useful, he realized, to throw at the neighborhood kids. fred decided to go out and but himself a rock the very next day.

Chapter Three - "Fred and the Bundt Cake"

A thud awoke Fed. He was rather annoyed, as he had been having a very nice dream about a very hot babe name Barbie, who had been whispering "Whip me, beat me, call me BEOWULF!" At first, Fred thought the noise was the morning paper. He figured that he'd probably better go check the front porch, as he didn't get the morning paper. Fred opened the front door and stared at the ground, obviously stupefied. What made Fred blow some brain circuits was a tiny little Bundt cake, wrapped in a blanket with a note attached, which read "please take good care of my baby bundt cake." This, of course, made Fred very happy, because he would be lonely no longer. He vowed to give his baby Bundt cake the best care he could provide, and love it always. Fred had always wanted to die a happy man, and now, it seemed, his wishes would be fulfilled.

Chapter Four - "The Bundt Cake"

But the Bundt cake had other plans. You see, Bundt cakes grow very slowly. Their life span is the same as a human's, but they never get their growth spurt till their mid 40's. This Bundt cake was in his mid 30's, and he was a Communist spy. His mission was to find out whether the Americans were deserving enough to live, or if they were just plain silly. Sitting on top of the kitchen table, the Bundt cake (who happened to be named after the god of panic, Crises) could plainly see the T.V. and decided to tune in while Fred was at work. Crises got himself a diet Cherry Coke from the fridge and a bag of Cheetos Cheez Balls, sat back, relaxed, and got ready to enjoy a day of American television.

Chapter Five - "The Bundt Cake"

People screamed. Blood flew. People got trampled, run over, squashed. Panic was everywhere. One woman's eyes literally popped out of her head. This happened immediately after she saw....it. A giant Bundt cake was eating everyone it came across, getting bigger by the meal. Of course, it fed by phagocytosis, as bundt cakes don't have mounths, Total destruction seemed certain for the city. It was inevitable doom.

Chapter Six- "Cincinnati"

It was gone. It it's place sat a giant fat round Bundt cake, happy at last.


"but himself a rock"???

To the editor:

I wrote my very first "letter to the editor" yesterday on an issue near and dear to my heart. They didn't print it (it was the New York Times, I'm sure they got hundreds), but I can share it with you here:

John Tierney’s critique of the National Academy of Science report “Beyond Bias and Barriers” (column, Sept. 26) demonstrates the very social pressures that he discounts. Tierney complains the authors dismiss the possibility that the imbalance in the number of women pursuing careers in science and engineering is due to innate differences in mathematical ability and interest in abstract theoretical subjects. Data on postsecondary degrees do not support such claims. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, in 2003-2004 women earned 46% of bachelor’s and 28% of PhD degrees awarded in mathematics in the US but only 21% of bachelor’s and 18% of PhD degrees in physics and engineering. Surely Tierney is not arguing that physics and engineering are more mathematical and abstract than mathematics itself.

Social pressures steering women away from science are overt and mainstream. Let’s not forget Mattel’s Barbie that announced “Math class is tough.” As a female nuclear physicist who volunteers her time to encourage young women to pursue science, it dismays me to see Tierney perpetuating bias.

Side by side

A few weeks ago, I was surprised to find two obituaries of interest to me in the New York Times; surprised, because I don't normally look at the obituaries. In a parallel to my dance/science dichotomy, the two notable people were Melissa Hayden, a dancer, and James Van Allen, a physicist. I make a few remarks about the latter here, and a few about the former on my dance blog.


A quote from "James A. Van Allen, Discoverer of Earth-Circling Radiation Belts, Is Dead at 91" by Walter Sullivan (August 10, 2006):

In the celebration of the Explorer 1 success, Dr. Van Allen posed for what became an iconic picture of the early days of spaceflight. He is standing with Wernher von Braun, whose team built the rocket, and William H. Pickering, who directed the spacecraft development, all smiling broadly and holding a model of the spacecraft high over their heads. He was the last of the three to die.

Explorer 1 was the first satellite put into orbit by the United States of America. For the record, von Braun died in 1977 and Pickering died in 2004. The three were born withing 4 years of each other. For a brief introduction to Werner von Braun, check out this song by Tom Lehrer.

Talking Barbie all over again

Is it any wonder that women are underrepresented in math (about 18% of PhD's granted) and the "hard" sciences (about 21% of PhD's granted)? Check out this t-shirt I saw for sale yesterday. Oh, and I saw another t-shirt at Kohl's, this one for guys, that defined "girlfriend" as "mistake," "someone who is never satisfied," "ball and chain," etc. Nice.

Thesis in a box

I am stupified by this site:
http://www.phd-dissertations.com/

This is the part that really gets me:

It is a recognized FACT that over 94% of "thesis" and "dissertation" services hire unskilled, amateur, low-paid, foreign writers who steal sources and plagiarize text from published documents. Rest assured, however, that our American company is among the legitimate 6%.

Yes, God forbid the dissertation you PAID SOMEONE ELSE TO RESEARCH AND WRITE come from a dishonest company!

A friend of mine recently sent me a journal article with the alluring title of "AVPR1a and SCLA4 Gene Polymorphisms Are Associated with Creative Dance Performance." This article was published in PLoS Genetics (you know you have it in your bathroom) in September 2005. It describes a study comparing the frequency of variants of certain genes in dancers, non-dancing athletes, and the general population. The authors find significant correlations between being a dancer and having particular variants, which suggests a genetic predisposition to have the urge to dance. (It seems therefore appropriate that the phrase "Gotta dance!" was announced in Singin' in the Rain by Gene Kelly.)

A few quotes:

We suggest the notion that the "dance" phenotype is no more difficult to define than other complex human behavioral phenotypes (schizophrenia, attention deficit, personality, violence, and others) that have shown to be both heritable and amenable to genetic analysis. Dancers fulfill a set of criteria with considerable face validity (similar in principle to the usual Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-style "symptom checklist") that both identifies and distinguishes one disorder from another.

Read that last sentence without the words in parentheses: "Dancers fulfill a set of criteria with considerable face validity that both identifies and distinguishes one disorder from another." A little copyediting would have helped here, because I don't think the authors were suggesting that dancers suffer from a disorder - although that's open for debate! Two words: pointe shoes.

...in the Korean Salpuri dance, an ecstatic trance state is induced that results in changes in alpha wave activity. [snip] We suggest the notion that the association we observe between SLC6A4 and dance is perhaps related to the need for altered consciousness states that subjects participating in and performing this art form sometimes have. [snip] Perhaps a prerequisite for some types of dancing...is the ability to enter into such a higher state of awareness.

This idea intrigues me, because I've always found performing to be different than any other experience in that I seem to be particularly aware of the emotion and physicality of the movement.

Cross-posted on my dance blog.

Colors

Driving back from Austin this morning, I had what I consider to be a highly amusing thought. I was driving past a field of cows, and I thought, "Huh - cows and rocks come in the same colors."

Inspiration

Last night I heard a commentator on NPR's Marketplace say in almost the same breath that funding basic research doesn't help the economy and that our schools need to produce more scientists and engineers. Does...not...compute....

Does he think that people major in physics because they have a burning desire to, say, improve the way nuclear well-logging is done? It's true that a degree in science or engineering can lead to a good job, but in my experience most people major in science because it's cool. Launching probes that fall into the atmosphere of one of Saturn's moons is cool. Building colliders that make antimatter is cool. Discovering superfluid He-3 is cool. Research like this may not help the economy directly, but it is crucial to the economy because it inspires people to go into science and engineering in the first place.

Science in the air

I spent most of a plane flight yesterday reading the 12/23/05 issue of Science. Generally I do not take the time to sit down and read the magazines that come poring into my house every month, so as a captive audience of sorts, I was determined to read the whole damn thing. I didn't read every word, but I was pretty thorough. There were some interesting things in there.
Having gotten my PhD in experimental particle physics and then chosen to enter industry rather than stay in academia, I felt somewhat vindicated upon seeing Adrian Cho's article on U.S. Particle Physics as the "Breakdown of the Year." It seems that physicists have once again run up against the "wisdom" of government budgets that invest in the first half of a project and then cut and run. I'm...I'm getting flashbacks to...to 1993...when Congress decided to axe the Superconducting Super Collider after investing...HOW MUCH?? I was shocked to learn that BTeV had been cancelled - I thought anything Fermilab touched was golden. If you want the complete story of why this was a stupid decision stupidly made, check out this statement issued by the (former) collaboration. How heartbreaking to have joined a new collaboration/experiment because the funding for your old collaboration/experiment got cut, and then see the new collaboration/experiment get its funding cut! I don't know for sure, but I think that happened to some of the BTeV scientists.

Don't get me wrong - I want nothing but large budgets and success for those still in the field, but sometimes it's hard to stomach feeling like a second-class citizen of the APS. Most of the society's activities are geared towards academia. They couldn't even maintain publication of The Industrial Physicist, a monthly magazine that made me feel less like a nobody in the physics community. I don't think I made the wrong decision, but seeing the woes of U.S. particle physicists makes me a little happier with the route I chose.

Woo hoo!

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

This was fun, but, hello, "What's the electric charge of a neuron?"!

Why We Do It, by Niles Eldredge

No, this isn't a book review. I picked up this book at the airport yesterday and made it through a good bit before I succumbed to sleep on the plane. This quote, from a section titled "Physics Envy," stuck in my head:

And later evolutionary biologists, such as Earnst Mayr, have occasionally wondered aloud why physicists can't seem to grasp the concept of natural selection. Inasmuch as physicists are not a uniformly stupid lot, that many of them don't seem to "get" core evolutionary concepts like natural selection is actually very interesting.

I have to say that as a physicist, and hopefully not a stupid one, I have never, my whole life, had trouble understanding natural selection. I don't imagine that most of the other physicists I know would have trouble with the concept, although I have not actually discussed it with them. One wonders of whom the author is speaking. Perhaps he thinks physicists can only understand things as equations? I've run in to that attitude before. Maybe I know an unusually broad-minded group of physicists.

In any event, the following sentence stands as an intriguing challenge: "A true physics of genetic information remains to be developed." I'm not quite sure what he means by that yet. He alludes to "some interesting early attempts" but doesn't give specifics.

What? You have more to say?

Howdy, and welcome to my new blog. Apparently my dance blog stirred the writing juices, because now I feel compelled to put pen to paper (figuratively) and record my thoughts on science. Mostly this will be an attempt to organize my thoughts on a wide range of scientific topics as well as make note of recent discoveries that I find interesting. I might review a few books, but don't get your hopes up.